CHRISTMAS WAS AWESOME!!

Christmas came and went so fast but I must say it was super duper awesome. As much as getting older bothers me…mainly because I’m not married, no prospects, and no kids that’s kind of a bummer BUT I also value getting older because you grow (or you should) and your wants/needs change for the better I think.

Christmas was fun for me because I was just simply around my family. My dad and I have a competition every year where we see who can pick the best movies and then you get bragging rights for a year. We watched 5 movies over Christmas and I just enjoyed being with my dad.

My mom asked me about 3 times what kind of cake did I want I kept saying I didn’t want one (I don’t need one) she still made me one (yes, my mom is better than yours lol) and I ate A LOT of it. She made us Hobo meals Christmas Eve if you don’t know what they are look them up it will change your life…very easy but delicious. I decided at 7:30pm that I wanted Danish with my mom’s new breakfast dish she was making. My dad quickly said I’ll ride with you…we missed Wal-Mart but found something at Walgreens.

 I got my Christmas pajama’s that I get every year…I am pretty sure I have since I was born.  We sat around all day Christmas in pajamas and ate. It was perfect.

I remember as a kid going through all the books picking out all the toys I wanted and I couldn’t sleep until I was sure I had everything on my list and there wasn’t a year that went by that I didn’t. Awesome parents!

Now, I just enjoy being with my parents, eating a lot, and watching movies. I even got my Dad to watch a Hallmark movie and he enjoyed it.

In addition, I put up a Christmas tree for the first time and I loved it. I decided last year I wanted to put up a tree so my mom the best shopper I know got me everything I would need for the low after Christmas. I even sent out Christmas cards which I never do…if you didn’t get one no worries I got you next year! See pics below.

I LOVE Christmas decorations but before this year I never put them up…I think a part of me kept waiting on this husband and kids but I am trying now to just live and it will all happen in due time. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish it would hurry up.

I can’t wait until next Christmas and I plan to have more decorations and more family time.  I think I’m starting to understand life is what you make it so just enjoy it. I am still a work in progress but I’m slowly getting there. I have 499 days to figure it out LOL!

Signed,

Almost 40

What’s Up With The Blog???

So, I have gotten this question a few times…I’m not going to say a lot because it’s not like I have tons of followers but my faithful readers asked and I finally think it’s time for an explanation.

Initially when I stopped doing blog post it was because I was trying to think of a different route to take the blog. As much as I said in the beginning I didn’t want it to… it started to sound like a Woe is Me blog and that was not my goal.

I mean how many ways can you say I’m single, I need a date, I want a boyfriend, I want to get married, and I want kids. Heck I was getting on my nerves.

And as some people suggested three blog post a week is a lot especially when your theme seems to be I NEED A MAN…and yes all caps because that’s all I felt it was saying.

During the time of me trying to figure out a new path I received a call on a Sunday morning from my mom saying they had to take my dad to the emergency room because he couldn’t breathe and they think it is something with his heart.

If you are my friend or even follow me on FB or IG you know I am a daddy’s girl, we talk everyday sometimes twice a day. A call like that is not one I could take well. My mom said no need to come home right now they are running test etc. reluctantly I said okay and tried to go on like normal.

The plan was for a surgery on Wednesday that should be pretty simple. Well, of course I’m stalking my phone all day Wednesday at work. When my mom finally calls she says “it’s worse than they thought and they have him in ICU his heart is very weak and they are placing him on really strong meds”. WTF not the call I was waiting on.

At that point I think my world kind of stopped and nothing matter especially blogging. The thought of losing my daddy was just way to much…I can’t picture my life without my dad so I think at that point everything stopped for me.

And now the hard part…my mom has a nickname for me Drama Queen (I know how inappropriate LOL) and usually they hide stuff from me. So, I knew this was beyond serious because they were telling me but then I knew I had to keep it together or they wouldn’t tell me anything else.

I think I worked so hard on not being “dramatic” or being sad that I couldn’t function so I was just going through the motions. I’m calling my dad daily checking in and it is clear he is not well but I have to act normal because they are sharing information with me so I just kept telling myself…don’t freak out be an adult.

Then I guess about a week later I get called into a meeting with my boss and let’s just say the meeting was not what I expected regarding my work performance and a coworker lied on me and although I had proof my boss didn’t care.

So, here I am internally freaking out about my dad’s health and now I have to freak out about if I am going to have a job. I was like really you have got to be kidding me.

In addition I had guilt because my mom was running around like a chicken with her head cut off and I felt like I should be there to help her. And then I am all in my feelings (internally of course) about my dad and I don’t even think for a while I considered my mom, her feelings, how was she handling it all…my parents have been together since they were 15 years old so as much as I felt like my world stopped hers had to also.

I was literally at a point where I just didn’t know what to do…I wasn’t sleeping or eating and me not eating is a big sign. Every time the phone rang and I saw my mom’s cell number, or my parents’ home number I am pretty sure I stopped breathing.

Seeing my dad sick and trying to be strong was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I literally just wanted to get in a corner and cry but nope happy face. I think I was trying so hard to pretend I wasn’t worried that I couldn’t do anything.  I literally couldn’t function. 

Then at work every day I am stressed because I’m like am I going to get fired today…understand I was working my butt off not taking lunch breaks, working well over 8 plus hours a day. So, in my head I’m killing it so to get called into that meeting was a huge blow.

At the same time I was also stressing because you know everyone is saying have Faith, let go, let God and obviously I was doing none of that so I’m like where is my faith. Then I beat myself up because I’m like it could be so much worse…so far I still have a job and although my dad is really sick I can still talk to him every day and for that I should be thankful.

Fast forward to now…my dad is getting better daily and I think the better he gets the better I feel. My mom sounds rested and I still have a job…for now J!

These past few months have been tough and I honestly think they were tougher because I was trying so hard to be what I’m not. So, here are something's I learned not in any particular order:

1.       3 blog posts a week is too much.

2.       I think everyone knows I’m single and over it so I can discuss more things LOL.

3.       I HAVE got to get this Let Go and Let God thing down.

4.       Understand that whatever is happening not sleeping and eating is not going to fix it.

5.       I thought I was a stress eater but clearly I have never had real stress.

6.       I am dramatic it’s who I am…I am a cry baby so just be that. Holding it in makes me a person I don’t recognize.

7.       I have awesome, amazing, supportive friends in different area codes.

8.       My mom is the strongest person I know and a real life energizer button.

9.       My dad is going to continue to get better…it has been said and it is done.

10.   And the blog is coming back with one post a week maybe two but if you see two know it was something I really had to say!

Signed,

Almost 40

What I Learned At My 20-Year Class Reunion!

My 20-year class reunion was Labor Day weekend and it was a good time…it was so great to catch up with everyone. There were some people who the last time I saw them was graduation day June 1995.

Part of our reunion was touring our old school and we went in classrooms, shared stories, tried to remember who did what, who fought who etc. and laughed until I think we cried.

At the end of that portion I remember thinking I didn’t go to our 10-year class reunion because I felt like I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life and was afraid of the judgment and/or of being questioned.

As I spent the weekend with my classmates I thought no one really cares if I’m married, if I have kids, if I’m making the big bucks this really is about reminiscing and being thankful that most of us are still here to celebrate.

So, what I learned is that geez get out of my head sometime, stop living in my feelings, and try to enjoy the NOW. No one knows what the future holds (well God) but if I keep living in my feelings and worrying about my future I’m going to miss my right now.

So, another one of my goals for this journey is just to live…now those are 3 simple words but for someone like me it is probably going to be one of the hardest things I will ever try to do.

 I don’t know that I have ever lived in the moment, I am always thinking about my next thing.

But it is worth a shot…to just live and not think about what tomorrow brings because if I’m being really honest tomorrow is not promised to any of us so I need to just enjoy my here and now!

Now, will I do it is the question…I have no idea BUT I’m going to try and that’s all I can do right.

Signed,

Almost 40

The Next 7 Days!

I was scrolling through the channels and got to OWN and saw Iyanla Vanzant and there was an audience of men and women and they were discussing relationships and why men & women do what they do. I am pretty sure it was a re-run but I stayed on the channel and she gave the  women in the audience a goal.

It was an Aha moment for me…I have heard that I don’t look approachable, I don’t smile, flirt etc. well heck not sure I know how and to me just randomly smiling makes me look crazy and what if he is like Ughh. I can’t handle that.

Iyanla told all the ladies for the next 7 days to smile,  and speak to every man they see…basically saying it will not kill you.

As I heard that I was like hmmm can I do that…and self was like well you are on this journey to 40 try it and see what happens.

So, I’m going to try it and I know to everybody reading this you probably think I am crazy and/or think that is easy but I have told y’all I am shy and rejection OMG I can’t.

But I’m going to try and smile, speak and maybe even start a conversation…yeah probably not the conversation part but hopefully my smiling will get one started.

So, I need all my Real Saints to pray for me…if you are around two other people I need all 3 of y’all to touch and agree that I got this.

I’ll keep you posted and if I don’t know that I have not turned my frown upside down LOL!

Signed,

Almost 40

Jesus Is Real!!

The last week or so I have just felt overwhelmed and really tired in my personal & professional life.

Been in one of those I would prefer not to be around people moods and I felt like God hasn’t answered my prayers like I wanted him to. I know I should get over myself but this is my truth.

I was/am just feeling like what is going on and I didn’t necessarily want to blog about it or talk to my friends because honestly I don’t really know what it is I feel. I just know I don’t feel right.

I wake up every day and go on with my life but deep down I just want to be in my bed under the covers.

It’s like I need/want the life that I had planned RIGHT NOW in MY time not HIS time.

Well, I think we all know that isn’t going to happen LOL!

Before I went to sleep Saturday night I got my clothes ready for church because I knew I needed some Jesus and I got up when my alarm went off but I kept laying there.

Granted I am always late for church but it was 8:45am and I was still in the bed (church starts at 9:30am) and I debated about going but I got up and got dressed and man am I happy I did.

By the time I got seated the choir started singing this song:

Jesus is real,
I know the Lord is real to me.
Jesus is real,
I know the Lord is real to me.
(Sometimes when I'm feeling low,)
(no where to go,)
(Jesus comes along)
(and He makes me strong.)
Chorus:
For I know, oh,
Jesus is real.

And after the first verse I had this calm feeling come over me…got a little teary-eyed but I felt like God was talking to me. Reassuring me that He is Real and I just need to continue to pray and wait for it. It all works in HIS time not mine.

 I have said it before and will say it again…this journey to 40 is all about growth for me and I don’t think it’s going to be easy but I plan to come out of it stronger. So, stick with me we have 606 days to go.

Signed,

Almost 40

I Love Say Yes To The Dress!!

This is one of my favorite shows but I seriously need to STOP watching it! They had a marathon on last weekend and of course I watched a lot of it LOL!

I am so bad watching it I even google pics of dresses I like and pin them to my Pinterest board…yes I have a problem SMH. SN-check out my Pinterest board if you are planning a wedding it is pretty good.

But here’s the problem I watch these shows and I get even sappier because of course all of these shows have happy endings.

I know marriage is more than a wedding but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want a wedding. I already have my dress appointment planned out…I know shocker! Just my mom & I that is one of those things I think I should just do with my mom I never understand why people take entourages but to each its own.

See, look how I got sidetracked and started talking about my dress appointment and I don’t even have a date/boyfriend/fiancé’ I have issues. Jesus take the wheel!

But now you see why I must stop watching these shows I just keep planning my future and ain’t nothing going on with my future love life…que the violin.

But as usual I will probably keep watching these too…maybe I need to lie on someone’s couch.

Signed,

Almost 40

Romantic Comedies Are Not Real Life!!!

I decided this weekend I wanted to watch movies and make use of my Netflix…I have been paying for Netflix for a really long time but I hardly ever use it.

Now, I already know I am a hopeless romantic and everything seems to make me think about Love & Marriage (sing in the tune of the Married with Children theme song) so seeing as how I am not there or even close I should probably not watch romantic comedies right?? WRONG I watched 3 this weekend LOL!

I watched Beyond the Lights, November Rules, & Four Seasons and they were all the same:

·         Girl/boy fall in love

·         Something happens they break up

·         And then they get back together and live happily ever after

Umm not my reality. Yet I keep watching these movies and then I’m like where is my happily ever after but no I get GAINGSTA’s!!

I decided if I insist on continuing to watch this stuff somebody needs to tell her (me) this is not reality and this is not how relationships or life in general really work.

Somebody help her because she watches this stuff and then gets all excited and think this is my future and then…NOTHING!

Until I can learn to live in reality I need to stop watching romantic comedies…I need to stop being scary because it seems horror movies should be my thing. At least until Mr. Right finds me.

But who am I kidding I will probably watch another one soon LOL!

Signed,

Almost 40

Confession Friday…My Flaws!!

I haven’t confessed in a while so it was time LOL!

Kierra Sheard has a song called My Flaws if you don’t know it click the link below you will definitely be blessed.

Kierra Sheard-Flaws

Here’s a little bit of it:

Sometimes I talk a little too much
Don't listen enough
Sometimes it's way too easy for me to beat myself up
Sometimes I hate the way I look when I look in the mirror
One look from you I know

My flaws
You love, you love my flaws
Think they make me beautiful
You don't see them as flaws at all
That's why
That's why, that's why I love you
Cause you are, you are the one who
The one who loves my flaws

She performed it last week on Sunday Best and it resonated with me because at the time I was not thinking I look my best because my new hair didn’t do what I wanted it to do (no judgment) so I didn’t feel pretty.

 I always feel better about myself when I feel like my hair is on point and my outfit is right but when I heard this song it just reminded me that God loves me no matter what and I should love myself just the same.

I am always finding things mainly physically that I think if I change them men will start approaching me. But that is no way to think or feel.

In addition to that a man doesn’t want to hear me critique myself…men like a confident woman.

Please understand I’m not beating myself up daily but I think I am hard on myself at times and it is something I want/need to work on.

As I am growing on this journey to 40 I am adding something else to my list and that is to really, truly love myself flaws and all. And not beat myself up for what some may see as an imperfection. I was created just the way He wanted me to be.

There are a lot of things I am learning that I need to work on…as much as I want/hope this blog is helping someone it is helping me in more ways than I ever imagined.

At the end of the day I want to be truly and completely happy with myself and I think 40 is a good age to get there.

So, I’m working on it…stay tuned there is definitely more to come.

Signed,

Almost 40

To Online Date Or Not…

It seems online dating is becoming the norm and I know people have met their true loves online so I know it works.

I was/am very hesitant about it…in my head Michael Myers, Jason, or Jeffrey Dahmer is who I would meet. I know extreme but this blog is my thoughts and my truth LOL.

Even though I was hesitant I said well nothing else is working so I should at least give it a shot.

First I tried Tinder OMG it was bad, it is just for hook-ups and I am to old for that. I want to be courted.

I heard some good things about Plenty of Fish and I have a friend who found her true soul mate so I sucked it up and said let’s try it.

Ummm I kept wondering if these men were even reading my profile…I have never said or felt like I had to have a man who had a degree, made more money than me etc. but the men that were in boxing me WOW!

I literally had a dude that his profile pic was a picture of him...cool right? He DID NOT have on a shirt and GAINGSTA was tattooed across his chest. And before you say it, NO THIS IS NOT A TYPO that is how it was spelled WTH.

I’m like is this it…is this what is left for me? I have to date a GAINGSTA in real life. Picture me crying real tears.

I’m not knocking online dating but it just didn’t work for me…I was told to give it sometime but I don’t know if I can.

Do you think the one is out there online just waiting on me to log back in…hmmm.

Signed,

Almost 40

It’s Not Just Me!!!

A lot of times I feel like I’m the only woman almost 40 and single. Realistically, I know that’s not true but that’s how I feel ALL the time.

I had an awesome chat with some ladies that were all around the same age and they echoed all of my thoughts and feelings.

It was a good feeling to know that I’m not alone but at the same time I had a bit of sadness because all of these women were me…educated, with careers, and beautiful (not being cocky but on a good day I'm not bad on the eyes) so I’m like what is going on.

At least if it were just me then I could really look within and figure out why me, why am I the only one and I could also have more hope.

But when it’s a group I’m like well heck am I destined for singleness.

Then of course it makes me go back to what is God’s plan for me…my plan was/is to be with someone until death do us part and to procreate but I’m not so sure that’s His.

Then I wondered what is going on with the men because clearly if there are single women there have to be some single men too. I have heard that men are intimidated but come on I don’t believe that…well there may be some but still.

There has to be a reason why myself and all these ladies are single is it God’s will or are we doing something wrong. Or is it really not time? And if so when is it time…I’m not getting any younger!

I need this all figured out by 40…well I hope.              

Signed,

Almost 40

What Happens At 40???

So, someone asked me what happens to the blog once I turn 40… what I heard…what happens if at 40 you are still single and childless then what?

See my face below:

I seriously have NO IDEA!

 

This is where this whole faith and let go, let God should come in right?

So, if that hasn’t worked then my 40^th birthday party will be the biggest pity party ever in life. And the new title of the blog will be “40 And Over It” LOL!

This is my second mile stone birthday…the first was when I turned 30.

 I was super sad because if you remember my “plan” I should have been married with kids. So, I OVERCOMPENSATED to make myself feel better.

I went to grad school, bought a new car, and a house.

Did I feel better? For the moment but it was just a band aid it still didn’t take away the desires of my heart.

But you know that because if it did I wouldn’t have so much to say in this blog but for the moment it worked…I guess.

If I am not at peace with where my life is at 40 here comes a new car and a bigger house…no school I’m over that. I’m not that sad about 40 LOL!

So, I have 630 days to let go and let God or make sure my credit is on point.

Stick with me to see how this turns out!

Signed,

Almost 40

Vegas Was…

I’m back from vacation and it was great. I have no complaints I think we did Vegas just as we should.

                                    Check out some pics!

Now as we know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas but I mean come on I have diarrhea of the mouth so I can’t keep everything in LOL!

I am always envious of my friends who seem so free …it always seems like I’m uptight ugh!

I think or I hope I opened up more! I enjoyed myself and tried to just be free.

I think my main issue is I am concerned with how people view me. I know I shouldn't care but I do. 

I think growing up in Chattanooga my parents and brother knew everybody. I couldn’t walk down the street without someone saying I saw your daughter or your sister made me this way. 

I was afraid to do anything because I knew my parents or brother would find out so I had to be a good girl unfortunately or fortunately I am still that girl at almost 40.

I’m not saying I’m trying to be on the Bad Girls Club but I want to be the girl to dance like no one is watching, love like I’ll never be hurt, sing like nobody is listening and not give a damn if they are.

I’m not so sure if I will ever become her but I think there is hope. I have watched my mother blossom and she has become more assertive as she has gotten older so maybe there is hope.

I always hear people say as you get older the less you care about what others think and you get more comfortable with yourself so my hope is that this journey to 40 will help me open up and become the woman I imagine myself to be.

I have 632 days to get there LOL!

Signed,

Almost 40

Vegas Baby!! Can I Be That Girl Or Not…That Is The Question!

My vacation starts NOW…woo hoo! I am so ready I need a break…feeling burnt out and just need to chill out, have fun and not think about work, being single, babies, or prospects just a good ol trip with my girls.

The last time I went to Vegas I was in my 20’s it was my first real vacation without my parents…it was just me and a friend and we had a great time but I’m excited about going with this group because our trips are always a blast.

I have told you guys I am super shy and kind of lame but my plan this trip is to try and open up, not be so self-conscious and concerned about what people think about me and just have fun.

I mean I am almost 40 it’s time right LOL!

I want to be that girl who just goes for it, I really do

Elle Varner has a song “Not Tonight” and it is one of my favorite songs if you don’t know it google it, YouTube it right now it’s awesome and it describes me perfectly.

 I will not post the whole song but this is by far my favorite verse because it is what I think every time I see a guy I am interested in…literally every time. I know SMH!

“But maybe, maybe in another life
I could be the girl who walks up to the guy
And tells him, tells him how she feels inside
But, not tonight, no not tonight”

Well maybe one of these nights in Vegas I will be that girl and not care if he shoots me down…maybe!

At the end of the day I plan to have a great trip and make new memories with my crew and in the process get some courage…I’ll let you know how it turns out so keep reading! Or not I mean what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas Haaa!

Signed,

Almost 40

Let’s Talk About Sex…Thoughts From A Single Dude And Me of Course Part 4!

SEX seems to be the most important thing in relationships…well especially in the beginning.

The truth is I’m super old fashion (I know shocker) so I feel like if I sleep with a guy to quick he will think I’m a slut or I guess the new word a THOT.

 I know myself and I fall in like so quickly so I am not about that casual sex life…no judgment it’s just not for me.

I don’t necessarily think you have to be married to have sex but I also think it should be somebody who I can see myself being with for longer than a day. Not a wham, bam, thank you sir!

I often feel this is one of the reasons I am single… I have had guys that disappeared as soon as I wouldn’t sleep with them so it leads me to believe I may be on to something.

Steve Harvey has made a killing off of his book and one of the things he constantly says is a woman should wait 90 days before she sleeps with a man.

I have heard some people say we are grown it doesn’t matter when you do it if a guy is interested he will still be after the fact.

I wanted to hear how a man feels about this so I asked how long is to long and is there a time limit?

Him: -I don’t necessarily think there is such a thing as too long or a wait time. It really depends on your reasoning for waiting to put out. If you wait 90 days to put out so you can get to know him, he can easily turn into a scumbag that 91st day and show his true colors. Me personally I don't care for time limits. We're both adults, let’s go with the flow. Giving it up the first night doesn't make you a heaux at all.    

Hmmm, he makes a valid point it takes time for someone’s true colors to come out so I get that.  

I think this is one of those things that just has to feel right FOR YOU.

I think FOR ME when determining when to sleep with a guy I think about how I would feel the next day if he doesn’t call.

You all would probably have a month full of woe is me blog post and I would eat all the cake and carbs I could find.

So, I think I should stick to really getting to know someone before we take it any further and I don’t have a time-frame I just think it’s a feeling. I just have to hope there is a guy out there who understands that.

Ask me again at 40…who knows LOL!

Signed,                                                                             

Almost 40

Just Thankful Today!

The last couple of weeks I have been having what is wrong with me moments…not woe is me or I’m sad but just trying to figure out why not me.

This is not a good place… I do live in my feelings but these are feelings I do not want or need to have because at the end of the day I will never know and really does it matter? When it’s for me it will be for me.

Anyhoo I went to see my parents this weekend and got to spend a lot of time just talking to them. Not about anything in particular but just chatting.

I got to catch up with my older nephew for a while. 

When I went up to my room I had a coca cola can with my name on it my brother had made for me…I have been wanting one because you know CaNesha was never going to be on one.

Before I left I swear my mother gave me enough food for a month or longer.

I say all of that to say this…I may not have what I want and who knows if/when I will get it but as I was driving back home I thought about just how blessed I am and how some people would love to have the weekend I had.

None of this was major but it was all things that let me know how loved I am and I really do have a lot.

Life is a roller coaster for me now on this journey to 40 literally but a weekend like I just had makes me appreciate what I do have.

Mr. Right may come one day but for now I still have a lot of love surrounding me so today I am just thankful!

Signed,

Almost 40