Monday, December 21, 2015

What’s Up With The Blog???

So, I have gotten this question a few times…I’m not going to say a lot because it’s not like I have tons of followers but my faithful readers asked and I finally think it’s time for an explanation.

Initially when I stopped doing blog post it was because I was trying to think of a different route to take the blog. As much as I said in the beginning I didn’t want it to… it started to sound like a Woe is Me blog and that was not my goal.

I mean how many ways can you say I’m single, I need a date, I want a boyfriend, I want to get married, and I want kids. Heck I was getting on my nerves.

And as some people suggested three blog post a week is a lot especially when your theme seems to be I NEED A MAN…and yes all caps because that’s all I felt it was saying.

During the time of me trying to figure out a new path I received a call on a Sunday morning from my mom saying they had to take my dad to the emergency room because he couldn’t breathe and they think it is something with his heart.

If you are my friend or even follow me on FB or IG you know I am a daddy’s girl, we talk everyday sometimes twice a day. A call like that is not one I could take well. My mom said no need to come home right now they are running test etc. reluctantly I said okay and tried to go on like normal.

The plan was for a surgery on Wednesday that should be pretty simple. Well, of course I’m stalking my phone all day Wednesday at work. When my mom finally calls she says “it’s worse than they thought and they have him in ICU his heart is very weak and they are placing him on really strong meds”. WTF not the call I was waiting on.

At that point I think my world kind of stopped and nothing matter especially blogging. The thought of losing my daddy was just way to much…I can’t picture my life without my dad so I think at that point everything stopped for me.

And now the hard part…my mom has a nickname for me Drama Queen (I know how inappropriate LOL) and usually they hide stuff from me. So, I knew this was beyond serious because they were telling me but then I knew I had to keep it together or they wouldn’t tell me anything else.

I think I worked so hard on not being “dramatic” or being sad that I couldn’t function so I was just going through the motions. I’m calling my dad daily checking in and it is clear he is not well but I have to act normal because they are sharing information with me so I just kept telling myself…don’t freak out be an adult.

Then I guess about a week later I get called into a meeting with my boss and let’s just say the meeting was not what I expected regarding my work performance and a coworker lied on me and although I had proof my boss didn’t care.

So, here I am internally freaking out about my dad’s health and now I have to freak out about if I am going to have a job. I was like really you have got to be kidding me.

In addition I had guilt because my mom was running around like a chicken with her head cut off and I felt like I should be there to help her. And then I am all in my feelings (internally of course) about my dad and I don’t even think for a while I considered my mom, her feelings, how was she handling it all…my parents have been together since they were 15 years old so as much as I felt like my world stopped hers had to also.

I was literally at a point where I just didn’t know what to do…I wasn’t sleeping or eating and me not eating is a big sign. Every time the phone rang and I saw my mom’s cell number, or my parents’ home number I am pretty sure I stopped breathing.

Seeing my dad sick and trying to be strong was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I literally just wanted to get in a corner and cry but nope happy face. I think I was trying so hard to pretend I wasn’t worried that I couldn’t do anything.  I literally couldn’t function. 

Then at work every day I am stressed because I’m like am I going to get fired today…understand I was working my butt off not taking lunch breaks, working well over 8 plus hours a day. So, in my head I’m killing it so to get called into that meeting was a huge blow.

At the same time I was also stressing because you know everyone is saying have Faith, let go, let God and obviously I was doing none of that so I’m like where is my faith. Then I beat myself up because I’m like it could be so much worse…so far I still have a job and although my dad is really sick I can still talk to him every day and for that I should be thankful.

Fast forward to now…my dad is getting better daily and I think the better he gets the better I feel. My mom sounds rested and I still have a job…for now J!

These past few months have been tough and I honestly think they were tougher because I was trying so hard to be what I’m not. So, here are something's I learned not in any particular order:

1.       3 blog posts a week is too much.

2.       I think everyone knows I’m single and over it so I can discuss more things LOL.

3.       I HAVE got to get this Let Go and Let God thing down.

4.       Understand that whatever is happening not sleeping and eating is not going to fix it.

5.       I thought I was a stress eater but clearly I have never had real stress.

6.       I am dramatic it’s who I am…I am a cry baby so just be that. Holding it in makes me a person I don’t recognize.

7.       I have awesome, amazing, supportive friends in different area codes.

8.       My mom is the strongest person I know and a real life energizer button.

9.       My dad is going to continue to get better…it has been said and it is done.

10.   And the blog is coming back with one post a week maybe two but if you see two know it was something I really had to say!


Almost 40

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