CHRISTMAS WAS AWESOME!!

Christmas came and went so fast but I must say it was super duper awesome. As much as getting older bothers me…mainly because I’m not married, no prospects, and no kids that’s kind of a bummer BUT I also value getting older because you grow (or you should) and your wants/needs change for the better I think.

Christmas was fun for me because I was just simply around my family. My dad and I have a competition every year where we see who can pick the best movies and then you get bragging rights for a year. We watched 5 movies over Christmas and I just enjoyed being with my dad.

My mom asked me about 3 times what kind of cake did I want I kept saying I didn’t want one (I don’t need one) she still made me one (yes, my mom is better than yours lol) and I ate A LOT of it. She made us Hobo meals Christmas Eve if you don’t know what they are look them up it will change your life…very easy but delicious. I decided at 7:30pm that I wanted Danish with my mom’s new breakfast dish she was making. My dad quickly said I’ll ride with you…we missed Wal-Mart but found something at Walgreens.

 I got my Christmas pajama’s that I get every year…I am pretty sure I have since I was born.  We sat around all day Christmas in pajamas and ate. It was perfect.

I remember as a kid going through all the books picking out all the toys I wanted and I couldn’t sleep until I was sure I had everything on my list and there wasn’t a year that went by that I didn’t. Awesome parents!

Now, I just enjoy being with my parents, eating a lot, and watching movies. I even got my Dad to watch a Hallmark movie and he enjoyed it.

In addition, I put up a Christmas tree for the first time and I loved it. I decided last year I wanted to put up a tree so my mom the best shopper I know got me everything I would need for the low after Christmas. I even sent out Christmas cards which I never do…if you didn’t get one no worries I got you next year! See pics below.

I LOVE Christmas decorations but before this year I never put them up…I think a part of me kept waiting on this husband and kids but I am trying now to just live and it will all happen in due time. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish it would hurry up.

I can’t wait until next Christmas and I plan to have more decorations and more family time.  I think I’m starting to understand life is what you make it so just enjoy it. I am still a work in progress but I’m slowly getting there. I have 499 days to figure it out LOL!

Signed,

Almost 40

What’s Up With The Blog???

So, I have gotten this question a few times…I’m not going to say a lot because it’s not like I have tons of followers but my faithful readers asked and I finally think it’s time for an explanation.

Initially when I stopped doing blog post it was because I was trying to think of a different route to take the blog. As much as I said in the beginning I didn’t want it to… it started to sound like a Woe is Me blog and that was not my goal.

I mean how many ways can you say I’m single, I need a date, I want a boyfriend, I want to get married, and I want kids. Heck I was getting on my nerves.

And as some people suggested three blog post a week is a lot especially when your theme seems to be I NEED A MAN…and yes all caps because that’s all I felt it was saying.

During the time of me trying to figure out a new path I received a call on a Sunday morning from my mom saying they had to take my dad to the emergency room because he couldn’t breathe and they think it is something with his heart.

If you are my friend or even follow me on FB or IG you know I am a daddy’s girl, we talk everyday sometimes twice a day. A call like that is not one I could take well. My mom said no need to come home right now they are running test etc. reluctantly I said okay and tried to go on like normal.

The plan was for a surgery on Wednesday that should be pretty simple. Well, of course I’m stalking my phone all day Wednesday at work. When my mom finally calls she says “it’s worse than they thought and they have him in ICU his heart is very weak and they are placing him on really strong meds”. WTF not the call I was waiting on.

At that point I think my world kind of stopped and nothing matter especially blogging. The thought of losing my daddy was just way to much…I can’t picture my life without my dad so I think at that point everything stopped for me.

And now the hard part…my mom has a nickname for me Drama Queen (I know how inappropriate LOL) and usually they hide stuff from me. So, I knew this was beyond serious because they were telling me but then I knew I had to keep it together or they wouldn’t tell me anything else.

I think I worked so hard on not being “dramatic” or being sad that I couldn’t function so I was just going through the motions. I’m calling my dad daily checking in and it is clear he is not well but I have to act normal because they are sharing information with me so I just kept telling myself…don’t freak out be an adult.

Then I guess about a week later I get called into a meeting with my boss and let’s just say the meeting was not what I expected regarding my work performance and a coworker lied on me and although I had proof my boss didn’t care.

So, here I am internally freaking out about my dad’s health and now I have to freak out about if I am going to have a job. I was like really you have got to be kidding me.

In addition I had guilt because my mom was running around like a chicken with her head cut off and I felt like I should be there to help her. And then I am all in my feelings (internally of course) about my dad and I don’t even think for a while I considered my mom, her feelings, how was she handling it all…my parents have been together since they were 15 years old so as much as I felt like my world stopped hers had to also.

I was literally at a point where I just didn’t know what to do…I wasn’t sleeping or eating and me not eating is a big sign. Every time the phone rang and I saw my mom’s cell number, or my parents’ home number I am pretty sure I stopped breathing.

Seeing my dad sick and trying to be strong was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I literally just wanted to get in a corner and cry but nope happy face. I think I was trying so hard to pretend I wasn’t worried that I couldn’t do anything.  I literally couldn’t function. 

Then at work every day I am stressed because I’m like am I going to get fired today…understand I was working my butt off not taking lunch breaks, working well over 8 plus hours a day. So, in my head I’m killing it so to get called into that meeting was a huge blow.

At the same time I was also stressing because you know everyone is saying have Faith, let go, let God and obviously I was doing none of that so I’m like where is my faith. Then I beat myself up because I’m like it could be so much worse…so far I still have a job and although my dad is really sick I can still talk to him every day and for that I should be thankful.

Fast forward to now…my dad is getting better daily and I think the better he gets the better I feel. My mom sounds rested and I still have a job…for now J!

These past few months have been tough and I honestly think they were tougher because I was trying so hard to be what I’m not. So, here are something's I learned not in any particular order:

1.       3 blog posts a week is too much.

2.       I think everyone knows I’m single and over it so I can discuss more things LOL.

3.       I HAVE got to get this Let Go and Let God thing down.

4.       Understand that whatever is happening not sleeping and eating is not going to fix it.

5.       I thought I was a stress eater but clearly I have never had real stress.

6.       I am dramatic it’s who I am…I am a cry baby so just be that. Holding it in makes me a person I don’t recognize.

7.       I have awesome, amazing, supportive friends in different area codes.

8.       My mom is the strongest person I know and a real life energizer button.

9.       My dad is going to continue to get better…it has been said and it is done.

10.   And the blog is coming back with one post a week maybe two but if you see two know it was something I really had to say!

Signed,

Almost 40

What I Learned At My 20-Year Class Reunion!

My 20-year class reunion was Labor Day weekend and it was a good time…it was so great to catch up with everyone. There were some people who the last time I saw them was graduation day June 1995.

Part of our reunion was touring our old school and we went in classrooms, shared stories, tried to remember who did what, who fought who etc. and laughed until I think we cried.

At the end of that portion I remember thinking I didn’t go to our 10-year class reunion because I felt like I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life and was afraid of the judgment and/or of being questioned.

As I spent the weekend with my classmates I thought no one really cares if I’m married, if I have kids, if I’m making the big bucks this really is about reminiscing and being thankful that most of us are still here to celebrate.

So, what I learned is that geez get out of my head sometime, stop living in my feelings, and try to enjoy the NOW. No one knows what the future holds (well God) but if I keep living in my feelings and worrying about my future I’m going to miss my right now.

So, another one of my goals for this journey is just to live…now those are 3 simple words but for someone like me it is probably going to be one of the hardest things I will ever try to do.

 I don’t know that I have ever lived in the moment, I am always thinking about my next thing.

But it is worth a shot…to just live and not think about what tomorrow brings because if I’m being really honest tomorrow is not promised to any of us so I need to just enjoy my here and now!

Now, will I do it is the question…I have no idea BUT I’m going to try and that’s all I can do right.

Signed,

Almost 40

The Next 7 Days!

I was scrolling through the channels and got to OWN and saw Iyanla Vanzant and there was an audience of men and women and they were discussing relationships and why men & women do what they do. I am pretty sure it was a re-run but I stayed on the channel and she gave the  women in the audience a goal.

It was an Aha moment for me…I have heard that I don’t look approachable, I don’t smile, flirt etc. well heck not sure I know how and to me just randomly smiling makes me look crazy and what if he is like Ughh. I can’t handle that.

Iyanla told all the ladies for the next 7 days to smile,  and speak to every man they see…basically saying it will not kill you.

As I heard that I was like hmmm can I do that…and self was like well you are on this journey to 40 try it and see what happens.

So, I’m going to try it and I know to everybody reading this you probably think I am crazy and/or think that is easy but I have told y’all I am shy and rejection OMG I can’t.

But I’m going to try and smile, speak and maybe even start a conversation…yeah probably not the conversation part but hopefully my smiling will get one started.

So, I need all my Real Saints to pray for me…if you are around two other people I need all 3 of y’all to touch and agree that I got this.

I’ll keep you posted and if I don’t know that I have not turned my frown upside down LOL!

Signed,

Almost 40

Jesus Is Real!!

The last week or so I have just felt overwhelmed and really tired in my personal & professional life.

Been in one of those I would prefer not to be around people moods and I felt like God hasn’t answered my prayers like I wanted him to. I know I should get over myself but this is my truth.

I was/am just feeling like what is going on and I didn’t necessarily want to blog about it or talk to my friends because honestly I don’t really know what it is I feel. I just know I don’t feel right.

I wake up every day and go on with my life but deep down I just want to be in my bed under the covers.

It’s like I need/want the life that I had planned RIGHT NOW in MY time not HIS time.

Well, I think we all know that isn’t going to happen LOL!

Before I went to sleep Saturday night I got my clothes ready for church because I knew I needed some Jesus and I got up when my alarm went off but I kept laying there.

Granted I am always late for church but it was 8:45am and I was still in the bed (church starts at 9:30am) and I debated about going but I got up and got dressed and man am I happy I did.

By the time I got seated the choir started singing this song:

Jesus is real,
I know the Lord is real to me.
Jesus is real,
I know the Lord is real to me.
(Sometimes when I'm feeling low,)
(no where to go,)
(Jesus comes along)
(and He makes me strong.)
Chorus:
For I know, oh,
Jesus is real.

And after the first verse I had this calm feeling come over me…got a little teary-eyed but I felt like God was talking to me. Reassuring me that He is Real and I just need to continue to pray and wait for it. It all works in HIS time not mine.

 I have said it before and will say it again…this journey to 40 is all about growth for me and I don’t think it’s going to be easy but I plan to come out of it stronger. So, stick with me we have 606 days to go.

Signed,

Almost 40

I Love Say Yes To The Dress!!

This is one of my favorite shows but I seriously need to STOP watching it! They had a marathon on last weekend and of course I watched a lot of it LOL!

I am so bad watching it I even google pics of dresses I like and pin them to my Pinterest board…yes I have a problem SMH. SN-check out my Pinterest board if you are planning a wedding it is pretty good.

But here’s the problem I watch these shows and I get even sappier because of course all of these shows have happy endings.

I know marriage is more than a wedding but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want a wedding. I already have my dress appointment planned out…I know shocker! Just my mom & I that is one of those things I think I should just do with my mom I never understand why people take entourages but to each its own.

See, look how I got sidetracked and started talking about my dress appointment and I don’t even have a date/boyfriend/fiancé’ I have issues. Jesus take the wheel!

But now you see why I must stop watching these shows I just keep planning my future and ain’t nothing going on with my future love life…que the violin.

But as usual I will probably keep watching these too…maybe I need to lie on someone’s couch.

Signed,

Almost 40

Romantic Comedies Are Not Real Life!!!

I decided this weekend I wanted to watch movies and make use of my Netflix…I have been paying for Netflix for a really long time but I hardly ever use it.

Now, I already know I am a hopeless romantic and everything seems to make me think about Love & Marriage (sing in the tune of the Married with Children theme song) so seeing as how I am not there or even close I should probably not watch romantic comedies right?? WRONG I watched 3 this weekend LOL!

I watched Beyond the Lights, November Rules, & Four Seasons and they were all the same:

·         Girl/boy fall in love

·         Something happens they break up

·         And then they get back together and live happily ever after

Umm not my reality. Yet I keep watching these movies and then I’m like where is my happily ever after but no I get GAINGSTA’s!!

I decided if I insist on continuing to watch this stuff somebody needs to tell her (me) this is not reality and this is not how relationships or life in general really work.

Somebody help her because she watches this stuff and then gets all excited and think this is my future and then…NOTHING!

Until I can learn to live in reality I need to stop watching romantic comedies…I need to stop being scary because it seems horror movies should be my thing. At least until Mr. Right finds me.

But who am I kidding I will probably watch another one soon LOL!

Signed,

Almost 40