I Need to Free Myself of the Have It All Desire!!

Me 5 days out the 7 day week LOL (minus the degree)

Who in the world put this desire in my head?

Last week was tough at work and this week isn’t shaping up any better. I’m overwhelmed, frustrated etc. and I find when this happens the first thing I ignore is myself. I didn’t work out one time last week and I ate A LOT of crappy food. And when I did finally get home I was still thinking about work so I was up late which means I was exhausted every day. But this is my pattern when my life isn’t going how I think it should I fall into this trap.

 I was scrolling through Instagram (yep it was late and I should have been sleep) and saw this excerpt on xonecole from Devi Brown and I was like OMG this is me. She said:

“As women we don’t give ourselves enough love and care and acceptance. Every day I would wake up feeling like I needed to escape and that’s a terrible feeling to have, wanting to escape but you have no idea to where. I was very restless and through that restlessness I got really sad because everything I thought I was working towards had been paused. I freed myself of that have-it-all desire and mentality because the truth is we’re just people. We’re just human beings. Having it all is not my goal.”

 I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have read this excerpt. It’s actually saved in my phone. It resonated with me more than anything I have read in a long time. And it’s weird because if you remember my last post was about not wanting to come back to my life to stay at my parent’s house forever.

I Need to Create A Life That I Never Want To Leave!

This journey to 40 is something else and it seems like daily I learn more and more about what I want. I am also coming to the realization that I may not be there by 40 but at least I am working on it.

A couple of weekends ago I went to visit my parents as I usually do every other month or so because I like them a lot and their house is the best. There is no reason to be an adult, they always have food, they have a TV double my size that they allow me to watch (they watch the smaller one) to catch up on all my shows (yeah, I turned my cable off…being an adult sucks). Nobody ask me questions, I don’t have to do any work just be super  duper lazy. And it’s always a good time but by the end of the weekend I’m ready to get back to my house and reality.

Do I Really Have As Many Hours In A Day As Beyoncé???

Do I though???

Before you say it I know it’s been a long time but I’m back finally!!

Here we go…have you ever felt like you were always busy but you weren’t accomplishing anything? No? It’s just me…well I’ll be.

I am constantly busy, always doing something, always tired yet I don’t feel like I am doing anything. I am sure I wasted my 20’s and seems like most of my 30’s worrying about when I was going to get married, when I was going to have a baby and when I was going to find that perfect job. Yet here I am literally almost 40 and I don’t feel close to it at all and that scares me.

Mother’s Day Reminds Me It’s Good To Get Older!!

Me & momma...I love her!

It’s no secret I’m a Daddy’s girl…always have been and always will be. One of the reasons I think that happened is he pretty much let me do/say whatever I wanted and for the most part he thinks I can do no wrong.

On the other hand my mom was the disciplinarian and kept me together so in my head she was not the cool parent.

Ohhh but then you grow up and realize this woman is freaking amazing and if it wasn’t for her I’m not sure where I would be.

The older I get I realize how awesome she is…I really see that everything she ever did was for the good of my brother and I.

Yes, she may have been tough but Lord knows I needed it.

I think back now of all I had and all she did and how she never slept (she still doesn’t sleep) and I’m like man she is remarkable. I don’t care how many hours she worked we always had home cooked meals. I gained so much weight when I went to college because I was finally able to eat out whenever I wanted. No lie I don’t think I ever had hamburger helper until college.

There were so many things I wanted to do that I thought made sense and she was like “NO” there was no discussion. She was the because I said so parent LOL! And I can say without a doubt not one of them would have me where I am now.

Even at 38…almost 39 in exactly a week (plug LOL) she still takes care of me as if I am still a kid. She never stops being a mom no matter how old we get. She isn’t that parent that said once you are 18 I am done she is always there.

This last year has been rough with everything going on with my dad but she hasn’t skipped a beat. You would think something would lack because she has taken on more. Nothing has she is still the same…I think she is the energizer bunny.

So, when I say Mother’s Day reminds me it’s good to get older it is because now I am able to see her true greatness and truly appreciate it.

The older I get I realize all she sacrificed and I am so thankful that she is still here for me to tell her.

In addition to that she is kind of my friend now…don’t get it twisted she is a momma first and does not play so I still have to watch it. But our relationship has grown over the years and only me getting older could allow that.

If I am fortunate enough to become a mother one day I can only pray I am half the Mother she is and if I am one day my kid will write about me.

Happy Mother’s Day to my amazing mother and all the other amazing mom’s out there!!

ONE MONTH AND ONE YEAR AWAY!! OH MY GOSHHHHH!!

So, in exactly one month I will be 39 years old and then after that the countdown begins to 40!!

So, how do I feel? I’m not sure!

I have so many emotions…let’s start with the good stuff.

I am thankful to be celebrating another birthday and overall I seem pretty healthy. I could stand to lose a pound or two or 100 but I digress.

Overall my family is good…my dad’s process is going and I have faith he will be 100% sooner than later. My mom is still super awesome so that makes me happy.

A great friend stepped in and is helping me plan (I should say she is planning it) a fun birthday weekend because I wanted to do something more than just dinner since it is my last year in my 30’s…insert dramatic music.

That all sounds great right so why is that pesky feeling still there…what feeling you ask…the why me feeling, why is my life not as I planned it. In case you forgot click here http://iamalmost40nowwhat.blogspot.com/2015/07/this-was-not-plan.html

My life was planned out perfectly yet here I am:

·         No prospects

·         No dates

·         Date dresses going to waste

·         No Husband

·         No kid (s)

·         Job (could be better)

So, I think I need a Plan B!

The reality is some of this may never happen, it can and I’m not giving up hope but I can’t or at least I don’t want to continue living my life waiting for it to happen. I’m living but I’m not really living because I am waiting on all of the above. And this just can’t be living…can it?

So, here is my new plan…I want to try and learn how to be content with where I am and what I have in every aspect of my life.

Being comfortable in my size 14/16…not saying I will not try to lose weight but I want to learn to love the body I have because it has been here for a while LOL!

Stop buying “date dresses” just buy a dress and wear it when I feel like and if/when I get a date I can definitely do a repeat.

Start taking myself out on dates...put on my date dress and go out. I’m fun so I can have fun by myself.

And even if I do get a date (s) just enjoy it don’t try and make him my husband if it is meant to be it will be.

Get serious about my job search…I know for sure what I don’t want to do and I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do. So, just start applying and keep applying until it happens.

Last but not least…I want to be a mother I always have but realistically it may not happen the traditional route (yes, I read the reports about Janet Jackson but I’m living in reality here) so I need to prepare myself, my house, and my finances for adoption. Make myself understand it doesn’t matter how I become a mother as long as I become one.

In my usual transparent way let me say I am 150% sure I will have some woe is me moments and I will probably still pick up a dress that I deem a date dress BUT the point is I am working on it.

I have my list of goals and now I have put it out into the universe so someone will hold me accountable!

This journey to 40 is one I am kind of enjoying...I am learning a lot about myself good and bad. I hope as I continue on this journey I will continue to grow and be great.

I have a Destiny that God has planned out for me I just have to let him do it. Easier said than done :)!

Tina Campbell’s song Destiny sums it all up for me...take a listen Destiny by Tina Campbell

Watch out 40 I am coming for you!

Signed,

Almost 40

Just One of Them Days!!!

Disappointment:

1. 1 :  unhappiness from the failure of something hoped for or expected to happen <To her disappointment, the cookies were gone.>
2. 2 :  someone or something that fails to satisfy hopes or expectations <The movie was a disappointment.>

 Disappointment is what I am feeling right nowL!

Have you ever had something you wanted so close and within no time it was taken away? Yep, that happened to me this morning.

So, I know people and I know myself and people will want to know why (heck I would) so in total transparency…here we go.

Long story short…I hope LOL!

An old boss called me about a position with her new company…it was an exciting role doing something I really want to get back to. She said she wanted me but her boss had to approve. I met him and he really didn’t interview me we just chatted. At the end he said it was ultimately her (my old boss) decision unless he doesn’t like the person. Well, fast forward to this morning…guess he didn’t like me she let me know they went with someone else.

I will not bore you with all the facts but let’s just say where I currently am is not turning out how I thought and I feel like I am not using many of my skills and there is a fear that my resume is getting stale due to some impulsive career choices I have made. No one’s fault but my own and I own it. But now as I am getting closer to 40 I want to change it…get back on track.

I want to be a Black Girl who Rocks and I don’t feel like I am rocking right now.

I am not sure how to cure disappointment…I am sure I will be sad for a while, probably eat something super unhealthy (don’t judge me), listen to gospel music…hey I need some Jesus right now. And eventually get back on the band wagon.

I know life is truly what you make it and hard work and sacrifice will eventually pay off. But I am like most humans when I want it right now!

I am going to leave you with a couple quotes from one of the best…Maya Angelou. I hope they will get me and whoever else is maybe having a moment today to feel better.

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."

- Excerpted from Letter to My Daughter, a book of essays (2009)

"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."

- The Art of Fiction No. 119, the Paris Review

 

Signed,

Almost 40

The Real World Sucks And I Don’t Mean The MTV Show!!!

I'm getting my jelly back dang it!!

 

Let’s be honest…the real world sucks a lot! As kids we couldn’t wait to be adults and now we would give anything to go back.

I had the opportunity to truly escape from the real world this past weekend to celebrate a friend and hang with some awesome ladies. It was true black girl magic at its finest.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about my reality a few times but overall I was all in for this escape.

Calories didn’t count this weekend…I mean one day I had a cupcake and ice cream before lunch now that is living the good life.

I took my shorts and cover-up off with no hesitation…swimsuit only and was okay with it. When I sat down all of my rolls were on display but I didn’t feel self-conscious at all I was just enjoying myself.

If you know me I am rhythm less nation but I shared my moves all weekend LOL!

It was one of those times where I really felt like for once I was living in the moment and that is my biggest goal in this journey to 40.

The black girl magic I experienced this weekend has no doubt made me a better person. Being in the presence of all of these amazing women has pushed me to do better in all aspects of my life.

We laughed until it hurt, we may or may not have shed a tear or two (at the end though LOL). It was exactly what I needed.

Real life sucks…not all of the time but a lot of the time so to escape is priceless.

Now as you are reading this I’m probably sitting at my desk nerves on 1000 because of these 50/11 emails I have and the amount of work to be accomplished today and I’m not happy. BUT I have memories of the past weekend to go back to. Life doesn’t always suck there is fun to be had I just have to find it.

As I continue on this journey to 40 I really am beginning to see that life is really what you make of it. You can sit in the house all the time alone or you can get up, get out, and get something don’t let the days of your life pass by. Well, that’s just what I’m going to do and if I fall back into that place which is highly possible…I have enough black girl magic around  to keep me going.

Signed,

Almost 40